Chapter 6 : 19 Years Old [ "I May Not Last Much Longer . . ." ]

Ako gave me a shirt to congratulate me on leaving the hospital.

I was determined to keep at it again today, but all I did was eat, brush my teeth, go to the toilet, and sleep. That's how the day went by.

I had my hair cut in the evening. It was trimmed short and prickly. I can't take care of it myself, so who cares whether I have curls or not? Thinking carefully, I understand Mom's consideration very well; she said that the time needed for combing should be reduced. When I looked in the mirror, I realized I now have the same hairstyle as Dr. Yamamoto.

Solitude

If I recover from my disease, if I become able to walk like I used to, if I become able to talk without feeling any inconvenience, if I become able to eat using chopsticks well . . .

Thinking like that is only a dream. I shouldn't let thoughts like that into my head.

As a disabled person, I'll have to live my whole life bearing the burden on my shoulders. But I'll fight against it, even if I'm in pain . . . That's how I've made up my mind to think . . .

Since Dr. Yamamoto told me my disease won't get better, I have prepared myself to burn to the full and then disappear all at once, hoping for a short life.

Mom. I'm sorry that I've made you worry so much and that I can't repay you at all. My brothers and sisters,please forgive me: not only could I not do anything worthy of an elder sister, but I've also taken away your mother's attention.

I know I'll be thrashing around for a several months to come. That's my life.

Oh, what on earth should I do?

I've moved from the upstairs room I've been using for a long time to the 6-mat Japanese room downstairs on the 1st floor. It's closer to the kitchen, the bath, and the toilet.It also faces the corridor the family passes along most. If the large windows is opened, I can see the garden, and Kuro, our dog, is always there looking at me.

Kuro had four puppies! They can't see anything yet, but they're good at finding their mother's nipples. Kuro looks great as a mother. And this morning, the buds of the lilies opened. I'll name the female puppy Lily!