I had my hair cut today. But I didn’t want to look in the mirror. I don’t like looking at myself with a demure expression. As for my complacent smile and the face with my eyes shut tight that I always show to other people, they’re not worth looking at. However, there’s a big wall-mirror in the Rehabilitation Room. O-sensei said I should look at myself in it to correct what’s wrong with my posture. In my head, I have an image of myself as an ordinary healthy girl. But I didn’t look so beautiful in the mirror. My backbone’s bent and the upper part of my body leans forward. There’s nothing I can do but admit that facts are facts. However much I try, I still can’t completely throw away the hope that I can escape my disability. I want to acquire at least one fact-that thanks to my strict rehabilitation. I’ve become able to do something I couldn’t do before.
I took on the challenge of conquering my body with willpower. But I failed. My face went white and I felt sick. I gave up. I realized that I was digging my own grave.
“Be careful not to overdo it.”
I fell over today in the toilet and hit my head badly. There was no bump, but I had terrible headache. I thought I was dying.
There was a flash of lightning outside and we started hearing thunder. I went to the public phone in the corridor in my wheelchair and rang home. Mom answered.
“Aya, I’m looking forward to Sunday,” she said. “We only have three days to go. What do you want me to bring? I’ll do your washing for you. Can you hear thunder there?”
“Hmm, yeah,” I answered coolly.
“Now I could die”, I thought.