Saturday, 7 May 2011

Chapter 4 : 17 Years Old [ "I can't even sing anymore . . ." IV ]

Asking My Self Some Questions

The summer holiday will soon be over. The only thing I've completed successfully during the holiday was looking after the parakeets. They come out on to my hands or shoulders and wait while their cage is cleaned. I give them some new water and feed, Then I put them back through the small door into the cage one by one. They;re so cute, They sometimes peck me, but it's not painful. I'm sure they're saying "Thank you"and I say, "You're welcome. I'm happy as long as you are happy." The whole thing takes about an hour as I talk to them. I get sweaty doing it, because I have to close all the windows so that they can't fly away . . .

Self-Reflection (Q&A)
"Aya, why don't you study much?"
-"I don't know"
"Don't you feel sorry for your parents who work so hard?"
-"Yes, I do. But I can't study"
"You're spoiled, yo know! Look at the outside world. There are many people out there who are trying very hard on their own. In fact, one year ago, you were . . ."
-"Don't say any more! After Motoko-sensei told me that life is not all study, I began getting lost."

So, after all, I have to face the end of the summer holiday without having done anything much at all. I'm scared about starting the new term!

I'm the one who's most aware of the changes (for the worse) in my condition. However, I don;t know if they;re getting only temporary or they mean I'm gradually getting worse.

I explained the changes to Dr. Yamamoto:
  1. The movement of my hip joints is bad. They still move back and forth to a certain extent, but they will hardly open to the left or right. (I can't move my legs like a crab). And because my Achilles tendon is hard, it interferes with my efforts to move my legs forward.
  2. It's getting difficult for me to pronounce the ba and ma columns of the kana syllabary.
Dr. Yamamoto encouraged me by saying that these things will get better, depending on how much I practice. She added that she;d give me some white tables to help soften my tendons.

I wanted to ask th truth about my disease, but of course I'm scared to know. I don't have to know that. It'll be all right as long as I can live know as well as I can.

"Aya," said Mom in a spirited way as we were going home in the car, "you changed to Okayo because you couldn't continue your life at Higashi High School. You're quite a serious case even there. You may be feeling you're not accepted at Okayo, either, and gradually start shrinking with fear. But don't worry. You received the gift of life. And you'll always have a place to live. If you have to spend your life at home, we'll refurbish your room for you so that it's nice and warm and bright with lots of sunshine."
I think Mom wanted to cheer me up because I was looking so miserable.
"It's not like that, Mom, I'm only thinking about how I should live today. I'm not looking for an easy place to live."
That's what I was shouting in my heart.

I went to the washroom to wash my crying face and looked at myself in the mirror.
"What a lifeless face I have!"
I remember saying to my sister in a cool kind of way that I could find some charm in my face even though it was ugly. But I couldn't say that with the face I have now.The few facial expressions I have left include crying, grinning, a serious look, and a sulky face. I can't keep up a vivid and bright expression even for an hour.

I can't even sing any more. The muscles around my mouth have a kind of tic. And because of the decrease in the strength of my abdominal muscles, I can only whisper like a mosquito.

I've been talking the white tables every day for one week now. My talking tempo has speeded up a bit and it's become easier to swallow food. The tension in my right leg has been eased slightly. However, I still have difficulty moving my legs forward and they're still painful.

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